Gratitude
Sometimes life takes my breath away!
It is well… always
I promised that these morning ‘brain dumps’ would be authentic and exactly what is top of mind. I’d be lying to say that I didn’t yearn to share a curated and polished representation of myself and my life. However, I know that through my unfiltered mess, you will see, that despite it all, there is beauty in that very mess. A teachable mess that should be appreciated just as much as the polished bits.
Today I woke up with an all too familiar friend, anxiety. Ever since I can remember I have felt an internal battle with a feeling of nervousness. As a theatre kid, ‘battling the nerves’ came with the territory. And frankly, I got damn good at it. I am a master of keeping my cool under pressure, but unfortunately not such a master at ridding myself of the feeling all together.
I told my mother that lately I have felt in more in my body than my mind. In my mind I know that everything is ok, I am safe, taken care of, loved, and couldn’t be more grateful for everything I have. But even when my mind can create logic my body never lies. My body can feel what is beyond my mind to explain. I can feel the life I prayed for.
Life is indescribably beautiful, right here and now, and if I only reach a fraction of what I intend to tomorrow… well, I’m not sure if my heart can take it.
For so long I was in pursuit of a dream. I was flailing about, learning of course, but I still wasn’t on the path. I didn’t really have a clue, and nothing was close enough to taste. Well today it is, today I can see it, feel it, and it seems that in any moment I can touch it.
My wildest dreams are right here… They’re Here!!
Coupled with shear excitement is the equaling pit-in-the chest anxiety that I’m fighting every day. I know that I am on a journey that I have prayed for, one I cried for in the dead of night when I thought no one was listening. The realization that things are not only coming to pass, but I am showing up in ways that others have prayed for… God is surely magnificent.
So today, I will assign this feeling of anxiousness, be the power of something far greater than myself. I will not dwell on the BIG picture that, in this moment, I cannot conceptualize. I instead will focus on gratitude. Centering myself on this cadence of life calms me.
Inhaling graciously the miraculousness of life, and exhaling the need, or even desire to know where it is going.